Lock up your daughters
I had to get a new ID card today since I cracked my old one. I’ve had some bad pictures before, but this one makes me look like I’m a child molester. I was asked if my name was “Chester.” 
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Oh no, a butt!
If seeing a butt harms you, I think that natural selection has – for some inexplicable reason – been ignored by your parents.
“It’s hard to know what to do,” Melinda Campbell said. “It just happened. I hate to say, ‘No harm, no foul’ because some people were harmed. But it has certainly caused a lot of excitement.”
Seriously, who the fuck gets harmed by seeing some cheeks. Some retarded administrator thought that it was demeaning to women in kind of a “well someone has to be offended so it might as well be all women” kind of way.
Instead of Truck Nuts, someone needs to make and sell Car Moons to put on the back of cars. Just watch people’s heads explode.
But ‘Green’ is good, right?
If it says ‘green’ somewhere, the product is automagically good is the lesson that has been learned thanks to years of whining. Which leads us to this awesome situation:
The SmartJack Oil Pump is supposed to be 30% smaller than regular see-saw beam pumps, and the unit produces about 50% less emissions. But it’s pumping out oil from the bowels of the earth!
Poor little hippies, being more energy efficient at pulling out the most energy efficient fuel we know is making their heads explode. Not only does the Wired author cry the whole time about oil, he manages to get snarky about nuclear power at the end. If he’s so big on being without energy, why is he writing for a technology web site.
It might be a hint OtherBro…
Dear Tech support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE,First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html(link) and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or Sister-In-Law 1.0 (they run a virus in the background that will eventually try to seize control of all your system resources.)
Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
rma P. Hicks
The Deal
In the tradition of Uru and Otter the deal was:
He breaks it off, Jayd gets the ring
She breaks it off, he gets the ring.
I got both rings fucker! 
Legalized theft
Yay for being done. I was good this year and finished in March. Tax Freedom Day this is next week Wednesday, 23 April. After that, everything we earn we will be generously allowed to keep by our overlords in Washington, D.C.
Wishlist for changes:
Tax day moved to election day. Think of the fun that we’d have if everytime we went to pay our taxes, we could decide who got to spend them!
Withholding abolished. Right now, 95% (made up statistic!) of the people who pay taxes in this country never have to cut a check to the Fed. This makes them happy to get a refund back. Along with this, the interest penalty for underestimating taxes needs to go away. The government is not a for-profit endeavor, and therefore has no need of any kind of interest on money.
Slightly more out there, tying taxes to voting. No taxy, no votey. Mmmmmmm, no more old/knocked-up people voting themselves a share of my pocketbook. So nice…
Edit: One day, I will write something funny and long, much like Dave Barry talking about taxes.
In the spirit of using logic and facts
I support dropping the drinking age to 18 for everyone, not just the military folks. Unfortunately, some people don’t think we should do that especially for military members:
[Candy Lightner, the founder of Mothers Against Drunk Driving] added: “They will follow the leader, they don’t think for themselves, and they are the last ones I want to say, ‘Here’s a gun, and here’s a beer.’ They are not adult—that’s why they’re in the military. They are not adults.”
I assert that all members of MADD are actually coke-fiends who are jealous of the legality of booze.
Low-Rent
You’ve bought a nice new Ford Mustang. You can’t really drive the car though so you get a non-GT, automatic shifter, hard top. You can say your drive a sports car but you don’t really. Then you drop a bunch of extra money to buy the Shelby Cobra rims. Sorry, you’re still a loser.
w00t for repair bills
With the drop of the attunements, I finally get to see MH(Mount Hyjal) and BT(Black Temple). The first time I x’d into the raid I was “requested” to go Tree starting with the BT raid on Tuesday, but I’m having a hard time seeing how it “maximizes healing” when I’m in a caster/healer group all the damn time. Meh, whatever gets me in there for the raid is what I’ll do. Like healing right now when all I want to do is tank shit on my warrior.
We had some good success on Thurs with the guild first (server second) kill of Gurtogg Bloodboil. It only took the entire night to do, but it was pretty nice to hear Vent go off when he died since he is a pretty tough fight. The trash to the Reliquary of Souls is pretty fun, and once we get more than the obligatory “hey let’s see what crazy shit this guy does” pull in we should kill him pretty quick.
It was my first time in Hyjal last night. I think it’s the coolest raid zone I have ever been in. I sat for the first two bosses but got to kill the next two and then experience Archimonde. Archimonde is a very simple fight in concept but with a huge execution requirement. I love it!! Now, if only the retards would stay alive and out of the Doomfire…
While we’re on the topic of retards, I’m trying to figure out who the hell thinks that ungemmed and unenchanted items are acceptable in Karazhan much less frickin’ Hyjal. We had an Owl on the raid (stole my T6 gloves the bastage) who was rolling that spiffy
WOWITEM:
with one spell damage gem and no enchant (- Mask of Primal Power
