uruloki’s lair

Someone once told me “you can’t just turn off feelings.” Now, at the time I was really trying very hard to be sensitive and nice about the whole ordeal, so I didn’t have the heart to tell them that; Yes, I can turn it off.

I suppose you could change feelings gradually from like to dislike, adoration to annoyance, etc. Subtle changes, or even 180; love to hate (or vice versa). Sometimes it takes a long time to change feelings, sometimes not so much, like when you find out your BF is having adult relations with random chick X. You could try to change them I suppose, attempt to sabotage your relationship, self-fulfilling prophecies work well here, lie to yourself…

Instead of going the long way, I just turn it off. Mind you, I don’t always do it. There was a time when I couldn’t do anything about it, those were very dark days for me. Obviously after that I had to do something, so I adapted. I learned to turn it off. 10-speed; prime example. He broke up with me; I was good by the weekend. (Which was good, b/c I was visiting a friend…)

Now, having the ability to just shut off, doesn’t mean I can’t or don’t feel very deeply. I think we all know I can, and do. It just means I don’t let my feelings, run away with me. I’m not subject to them anymore. Hehe, maybe that is why everyone thinks I should be an actress…

I do like closure though. :-\ It’s not always possible, but if there is a chance I can get it, I will go for it. I had moved on long before I finally got closure with Mudbug. hehe It was sweet to get it in the end though and I really appreciate being able to discuss things with him.

So, the point of this? If it doesn’t sound like I’m feeling anything, I’m probably not. You don’t need to worry about me. I love you because you do, but sometimes it’s just better if I don’t feel. D
Don’t let anyone tell you how you feel, or how you should feel. Your feelings are yours, and you can decide what to do with them, it’s none of their business.

Sometimes growing up feels like being a snake. When you learn enough in one area you grow out of who you used to be. It’s not easy to ignore people’s perceptions of you and do your own thing… or is it?

Speed above all else. Mobility above all else. Utter ruthlessness.

Tags: Life //