uruloki’s lair

So, I lost a friend last night. Over a friggin macro. Silly boys can’t use logic in conjunction with memory (or either one alone!). Oh well. Obviously since he left me the first time… and the second time… and decided I was exactly like someone else; I shouldn’t be surprised. I’m not really. He likes to leave people before they leave him. Well, I guess he got what he wanted. I wasn’t going to let him out easy though. I needed it to be over so I can stop wondering and torturing myself.

“We’re done.” wow, it was still like being punched in the gut. But I needed it. He’s hurt me enough already, and this was the last time, so I’m ok with that. I almost cried though, I’m so chickly! hehe. It’s ok, I’m ok. I knew his words were completely contradictory to his actions and still I gave him the second and third chance. I once asked him what he wanted from me and he told me he wanted “friendship, understanding, compassion, trust, and enjoyment.” I reminded him of that when I was asking him to decide how it would go, and his answer was: “I want you to forget me lol” hehe! As though I could. I usually give him everything he wants, but I can’t this time. I don’t even want to, and I don’t need to; it won’t make a difference to him b/c he won’t know whether I have or not. He meant a lot to me, and we had a lot more good times than bad. I will always have the memories I thought I shared. And I can look back and smile at them without thinking about our craptastic ending lol. I am satisfied. Odly enough… the song “since You’ve Been Gone fits this situation very appropriately.

He’s not the first friend I have had to let go of completely, and he probably won’t be the last, but that’s ok. I’m learning to let go. Sometimes in the end you can still call them if you are in dire (we are talking desperate) need of a protector, this isn’t one of those times, but that’s ok. Not all of them will be.

I don’t think I ‘deserve’ it, but I did choose it. I choose who has power over me and I am learning to not let anyone have that power. Someday someone won’t abuse my trust, my affection, and my friendship. Someday, I will be valued as I ought to be. Until that day, I have to be careful.

Sometimes: I’m silly, but sometimesthe vast majority of the time: guys are just idiots. hehe. You know it’s true, and I know it’s true.

Onward with year 2 of “F Jayd”! It’ll get better, so they tell me. lol

Tags: General //