uruloki’s lair

Well, I could say that the first 100 days of a John Kerry presidency would be a complete and [un]mitigated disaster and leave it at that, but it is too true and too sad for anyone to get a laugh over. SO, here’s what I think those 100 days would be like.

• During inauguration speech, denounces Vietnam War as a “vicious act of American imperialism,” apologizes. Later, has to issue statement clarifying position on Iraq.
• Declare French to be official language of Administration, prepare statements which take as many sides as possible in any debate.
• Hold a Botox party for his largest contributors in the Lincoln Bedroom.
• Grant the Heinz company exclusive food-service rights in all government cafeterias: Now serving ketchup! Lots of ketchup! Maybe some bread to go with the ketchup, but mostly ketchup!
• Reassign the Secret Service agent “son of a bitch” who “made him fall” to guard the new White House dog, a French poodle. The poodle’s codename? John…
• Declare Benedict Arnold national hero for “his foresight, nuance, and sophistication in try[ing] to take both sides of the American Revolution.”
• Replace George Washington on the one dollar bill with Arnold for the previous reason and the fact that Washington didn’t work hard enough on building a coalition with an international mandate.
• Congratulate Washington for working with the French; leave his name on the Washington Monument for that reason.
• Refer’s to Clinton definition of sex to say that “yes, I had sex with that woman” while saying “I did not have sex with that woman.”
• Raise taxes on the “Evil Rich,” with contributions to the Democratic party being counted as deductions at 10:1 ratio.
• Change the salute of the US Armed Forces from the “winner” style to the “loser” style employed by French Army.

I thought that I’d end up dividing the first 50 days from the second 50 days, but it turns out that he has enough to do flipping the country to the wrong path after 200+ years of progress.

Edit: I left so many gd prefixes and suffixes off in this post, I should be shot.

Tags: Politics //