Bill Whittle’s latest project, entitled BULDING THE IDEAL AMERICAN, has apparently been put on indefinite hiatus due to so many people missing the point. Apparently, while section 1.0 INTRODUCTION went over well, with positive feedback and (asked for) input provided for the second part, the reviews of 2.0 BASIC SKILLS weren’t so kindly. To wit:
Obviously, I pulled the entries, but not because of trolls. The whole point of the style of that series was to poke a stick in the eyes of those whiny, joyless, professional complainers.
No, I decided to reconsider the idea because so many of the regular commenters didn’t seem to get the spirit of what I was getting at. And that’s when I realized that the idea is probably fatally flawed.
The prime example of the difficulties that he ran into was the conflict over whether or not soccer is a legitimate sport for the Ideal American. The goal was to “catch … the admirable national impatience with process without progress.” When I first read the section in question, I had the same initial outraged response, for I too am a soccer player. Upon reflection, I believe that the key portion of the soccer section is this:
Somewhere during the course of your American’s life, it should become obvious to him or her that other nations love soccer for the same reason they love the UN General Assembly: one guy has the spotlight for a while, does nothing, passes it to another guy who putters around for twenty minutes, who is then cut off by some other guy who goes the other way; much yelling and confusion, the referee steps in and makes effeminate and ineffectual gestures, then another guy dicks around for forty more minutes resulting in absolutely nothing happening, with the only excitement coming from yet another faceless guy pretending to be injured over some trivial event that an American would shake off without pausing for a second breath. Then, at the end of the day, after much huffing and screaming and cheers from the stands, everyone goes home smug and satisfied after having accomplished precisely and absolutely NOTHING.
Absolutely hilarious, and mostly true. American soccer players are different from those in almost any other country in the world in that we glorify attackers far more. Every kid that steps onto a soccer field wants to, at some or another, have a chance to prove that they can put the ball in the back of the net better than the other guy. For that same active reason, Americans don’t watch soccer with the same passion that other people do. They want to be out there doing it instead of fighting with other fans. The rare occasions that we do watch it, we do spent the entire time yelling ”’Oh, for the love of God, hold those two idiots back for point defense and put everybody else in front of the f**king goalie! Make everyone strikers! Everybody! Move ‘em up! Now take that guy out! Him! You idiot!! Now shoot! Shoot! Shoot the f**king ball, you moron!!’” Just ask Otter, who hates watching soccer even more than basketball.
A legitimate criticism of soccer (and of hockey) is that it permits ties with far more ease than either football or baseball. Baseball is clearcut in allowing no ties no matter how long it takes (unless you’re playing in the All-Star game). In the NFL you can get ties during the regular season, but no go in the Super Bowl. College football doesn’t allow any ties, period.
Ties are not a part of the American psyche. When in doubt, go for the win and accept the loss if it happens is a hallmark of many American decisions (Midway, anyone?). What Bill Whittle could have done is addressed the fundamental properties of sports in general that contribute to an Ideal American. There are negatives and positives in each specific sport that can be applied, but using a broad brush of Football + Baseball = Good and Soccer + Hockey = Bad tended to polarize commenters that would have in other circumstances agreed with the overall point.
Tags: Life by uruloki
No Comments »